hard life
by bellaedythforever
Summary: Elsa falls hard for her cousin's charismatic best friend but the beautiful redhead doesn't seem that interested in returning her feelings. Or maybe she's just desperate to keep a secret. Elsanna/AU non incest. This story deals with GID Gender Identity Disorder Rating may go up.
1. 1

This story here is going to deal with GID (Gender Identity Disorder). If that topic makes you feel uncomfortable, feel free to leave now. For those of you who are still with me now. I hope you'll enjoy.

*1*

You need to learn to say no, Anna, I tell myself with a low sigh as I carefully apply a second layer of cherry-red lipstick on my mouth. Like always when I'm about to meet someone new, I'm wearing a bit more makeup than it would be necessary. But in a way all the powders, eyeliner and co are my shield. With them I feel more confident in my own skin. If it is possible for me to feel like that at all, that is. How must that be like to consider yourself pretty?

My phone starts ringing, and I quickly wrap a thin black silk scarf with little crystals around my throat before rushing down to the kitchen to answer the call. The scars of my latest surgery are finally starting to fade into a pale pinkish tone but I still feel more comfortable covering them up. I don't want anyone to notice. It could be so awkward.

Clearing my voice, I pick up the phone and take a deep breathe through my parted lips before speaking up. The voice part is still so very difficult for me, even after five years of speech therapy.

"Hello," I whisper, sitting down on the edge of my couch. My Siam cat jumps on my lap and I start caressing his brown fur with my fingertips as I listen to the familiar voice of my best friend at the other end of the line.

"Hi, Anna, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks for asking. How are you? Shouldn't you already be on the plane to your honeymoon yet?"

"We're at SEA TAC but all flights are delayed because of storm warnings. Good thing, Elsa is coming to Seattle by car."

I can hear him slurp on something between his teeth before he continues speaking.

"Oh, before I forget it, sweetie; Tanya asked me to say hi to you."

What Tanya truly meant to say was probably something like; I hope the freak jumps off a cliff while we're gone. My best friend's beautiful new wife hates me with an almost sickish passion. Her problem is that she doesn't grasp the intensity of my friendship with Kristoff. How he can accept me so very easily the way I am instead of being disgusted like most other people. I don't even understand it myself but that doesn't make me one tiny bit less thankful for his never ending support and loyalty. Such a pity he has fallen in love with this awful harpy.

"Anna, are you still there?"

"Sure, I was just in thoughts. Tell her I said hello. I hope the two of you are going to have a wonderful time in Brazil. You deserve it."

"Thank you. Also, for letting Elsa stay with you until we come back from our trip."

"You're welcome. You know I can't say no to you anyway, when you ask me a favor. The problem is just that I'm so terribly nervous about having someone here with me from back home. What if she remembers Brian?"

"Hasn't your therapist told you not to speak of yourself in third person?" he asks me reproachfully.

My therapist tells me a lot of stuff that I don't agree with, I think bitterly. Brian is dead. Just as I am dead to my own parents since the day, I finally managed to break the truth to them.

"Didn't Dr. Hans tell you to accept your past as a part of your life?"

I need to stop talking to Kristoff about my therapy lessons. He memorizes too much of it.

"Anna?"

"Maybe, he brought it up once or twice." I whisper hoarsely, running my manicured fingers through the light brown fur of the cat. Animals are so incredibly great. They never judge or ask unpleasant questions. If only humans were a bit more like that, my life could be so much easier.

"Hans is a smart man, much better than that awful woman you went to see before him. I didn't like her at all. As for Elsa, please don't worry about that too much. The last time she saw you, she was five years old. I highly doubt you left that much of an impression on her. She hardly remembers me and I'm her cousin."

I can hear Tanya snarling something at him in the background and because I don't want to be the reason for another fight between the happily newly-weds, I tell Kristoff goodbye, wishing him and the strawberry-haired monster he married last Saturday a safe trip to Rio.

Then I stand up from the couch and walk through my spotless apartment, trying to check if I haven't forgotten to hide anything I don't want Kristoff's cousin to see. My pills are already in the safety of my closet, together with the little post-it that tells me at which exact time I am supposed to take them.

Explaining the injections in my fridge, that's going to be the difficult part but they need to be kept cool and so I have decided that I'm simply going to tell Elsa that I have a mild form of Diabetes that requires Insulin injections every morning.

The doorbell rings and when I check the time on the delicate silver watch around my wrist, I wonder how she can already be here. She must either have been driving like a maniac or gotten up at an awfully early hour.

Lifting the cat up in order to keep him from sneaking out when I open the door, I try to prepare myself mentally for facing my new room-mate.

"Hi, I'm Elsa!"

A pair of dainty arms is around me so quickly that I can't manage to step back fast enough. It is so random that someone touches me, that I let someone touch me. I can barely remember the last time someone hugged me.

"You must be Anna. It's so nice to meet you. We are going to be great friends. I know, we will."


	2. 2

She likes talking. She likes talking a lot. That much is obvious after listening to her cheerful babbling for the rest of the afternoon. I learn that she has a younger sister names Cynthia and that she had to move way too often for her liking because her stepfather was in the Military.

"Seattle is so big. I'm going to get lost. My sense of orientation is basically none existent."

"I can show you around a bit if you want me to. Kristoff wouldn't like it too much, if he returned and I had to confess that you haven't returned from a shopping trip.

"I love shopping. We have to go together some time."

I sigh deeply, pinching the bridge of my nose with my thumb in an attempt to fight off a beginning migraine. The new estrogen pills my endocrinologist prescribed me are stronger than the ones I had before. I like the effect that is having on my skin but as for my headaches—they are so very exhausting.

"Don't you like shopping?"

"I order most of my stuff through the internet. It's much more comfortable."

And much less embarrassing, I add silently in my head.

"But where's the fun in that?"

"Shopping is not that fun for someone my size."

"You should be lucky that you are that tall. Like a freaking model. Are all the women in your family like you?"

Thewomenin my family are small and slender. I'm the one who has been forced through the horrors of male puberty with the result of being stuck at 5.9 for the rest of my life. I hate being tall. It makes me too visible while I want nothing more than to be invisible.

"Anna?"

"My mother was around 5.9 but my father's sister was pretty tall. I don't remember her very well though."

I remember how she almost fainted when she caught me playing in Mom's dresses when I was a child. How she yelled and called me a sick freak until my father told her to shut the fuck up. That this was just a phase and that all kids would go through stuff like that while growing up.

The problem with some phases is that they don't end, no matter how hard you keep wishing for it.

"Was?"

"Was what?"

"You said your mother was. Is she dead?"

I suck at lying although I'm forced to lie like twenty-four hours every goddamn day and so I simply nod my head instead of answering her verbally.

She places her tiny hand on mine and squeezes it gently, rubbing her thumb over the back of my hand.

"I'm so sorry for your loss. Have the two of you been close? My own mom and I, we don't get along that well. She has trouble accepting me the way I am."

When she says the last part a frown appears on her pretty face. It's only for a split second but it sends an unpleasant feeling straight into my heart. I don't like her feeling bad about anything.

"Are you hungry?" I ask her in an attempt to distract her and lead our conversation to safer topics, topics that aren't filled with hurtful memories.

She nods her head and I cringe a bit at the difference of height between the two of us as she follows me into my kitchen. Compared to me, Elsa seems so incredible fragile. It makes me want to protect her and that's something I don't like too much. Guys protect girls. You are not a guy for fucks sake.

"Is Mac Cheese okay?"

"I love it. Do you want me to make some salad to go with it?"

Not waiting for me to answer, she opens the fridge, instantly noticing the plastic box filled with the injection needles.

"What's that?" she asks, lifting one of them up to take a closer look.

"Insulin," I mumble, clearing my throat nervously. "Please don't touch that."

"You have Diabetes? Which type?"

Crap, there are several of them? Why are there several of them?

"Type one." I whisper, hoping that she won't continue asking me about that any further. I know shit about Diabetes.

"Oh I see. I'm sorry for touching your medicine. It won't happen again."

She pulls some tomatoes out of the fridge and rinses them under the faucet before cutting them into thin slices. Her lips form the melody of an old country song and I can feel my own mouth lifting up into a smile while I watch her. She is such a joyful person that it is impossible to not open up your heart to her at least a tiny bit.

When she tries to reach the bowl from the cupboards she has to stand up on her toes and I sigh deeply before handing it to her.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Do you want to have some wine with Dinner?"

"I don't drink. Alcohol doesn't lead to me making very considerate decisions."

"Probably. I have some diet coke here, if you like that better."

"I do. Look, aren't you too hot wearing that scarf while you're cooking?"

I shake my head and touch my silk covered throat with trembling fingers before her dainty fingers reach the thin material of my scarf.

"Don't touch me." I snarl at her, a bit harsher than it would have been necessary.

She drops her hands and steps back, her blue eyes widening fearfully in her beautiful elfin-like face.

"I'm sorry." I whisper. "I didn't mean to be so rude to you. It's just that I don't like it when someone touches me so unexpectedly."

"I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. Let me know when Dinner is ready. I'm in my room, trying to squeeze the content of my suitcases into this tiny little nothing of a closet


	3. 3

I'm starting to like her, like really like her and that's a mistake but I just can't help it. She's so gorgeous. I want to be like her. I want to be with her, but of course there is no chance this is ever going to happen.

Agreeing to let Kristoff's cousin live with me has probably been a mistake from the beginning but liking herthat wayis a mistake beyond any mistakes. It's awkward and most of all it is too risky. If she finds out what I am, she's most likely going to freak and I don't know if I can handle that drama once again. I'm so tired of it.

The problem is that Elsa is so incredibly nice to me despite me snapping at her. It's her being nice to me, that holds something I'm not used to but enjoy way more than it is good for me. With her everything seems so normal somehow and I've craved for a bit of plain, dull everyday life for so very long now.

I don't want to lose this but losing it is irrevocably going to happen once she discovers the truth about me. Maybe it would have been better if Kristoff had told Elsa everything about me before she came here.

"Have I done anything wrong? You seem mad at me somehow." she asks me suddenly, looking up from the cup of green tea between her hands.

I cringe and choke on the piece of dry bagel in my mouth before I manage to calm myself enough to answer her.

"No, I'm not mad at you. What makes you think that?"

It's probably the fact that you have been acting like an embittered bitch towards her during the entire last week. Damn it, Anna.

"You seem tensed all the time, like you don't really like having me here, but you're not saying anything about it. Kristoff has talked you into letting me stay with you hasn't he?"

"Yes, he did but it's ok. It's just for a few more weeks."

"Hmm,"

She stands up from her chair and starts putting the dirty plates into the dishwasher. When I hand her my cup our fingertips touch against each other for a split second. Heat spreads through me and I try to ignore the feeling as much as I can.

"How close are you and Kristoff?"

"Well, he's my best friend. Why are you asking?"

Her cheeks blush into an adorable crimson color and when she speaks up again she stammers nervously.

"I assumed he would have told you about me. But maybe he was worried that you wouldn't want to let me live with you if you knew."

"If I knew what?" I ask her, letting my eyes move down her delicate body. The material of her tank top is so thin that I can see the outlines of her small breasts through it. The disgusting thing between my thighs reacts almost instantly to that visual and twitches. Shouldn't the testosterone blockers help with that sort of problem? Maybe I should ask the doctors for a higher doses. I definitely need every kind of help fighting my physical attraction for the dainty woman in front of me. It is pointless and will lead to nothing but me getting hurt all over again, most likely even worse than before.

She grabs the hem of her shirt between her fingers, lifting it up a bit so that I can see the tiny crystal of her belly button piercing. I want to run my tongue around it.

Sicko - Stop starring at her right now, you sick piece of shit.

"Well, I like girls— a lot."

And I would like being a girl a lot, I think bitterly while I watch fascinated how her upper lip gets attacked by her pearly-white front teeth.

"I don't usually tell people I'm gay when I don't know them very well but as you are acting so tensed around me, I just wanted to make sure that you don't have a problem with it."

"No," I whisper. "No problem. You can be with whoever you want to be. It's your life."

"I didn't want to be with someone in a long time although I have to admit that I miss the sex a lot."

When she says that her eyes sparkle and I can't manage to look longer at the clear blue of their iris as for a second. The heat is back again, overwhelming me so much that I have to lean my head against the cold metal of the fridge. Then I feel the familiar throbbing of a beginning erection between my legs and press my hand against my crotch so harshly it is painful. God, damn it—

"Are you okay?" she asks me worriedly, placing her hand on my bare forearm.

"It was just a cramp. I'm going to take a shower now." I mumble, trying to keep my breathing calm.

Locked inside the security of my small bathroom I cover the mirror with a towel before stepping out of my clothes. As usually I avoid looking down at myself at any cost. I don't need to seeit. It's bad enough that I can feel and right now I feel more than I can handle. My semi hard erection turns into a full one when the warm water of the shower starts pouring down on me. I should just turn the water above me to ice cold and end this unwanted reaction of my body but somehow I can't. My trembling fingers close around the hard shaft and while I move them up and down, I can't stop imagining my hand being hers.

Biting my fist in order to suppress a deep-throated groan I release against the glass wall of the shower as my climax makes my entire body shudder with pleasure.


	4. 4

4*

I hate my therapy lessons. It seems awkward to me to talk to a random stranger about whatever is going on in my head. But the weekly meetings with Dr. Hans are an inevitable part of my transition. If only I could convince this man to sign the papers I need him to sign so that I can finally make up an appointment for my—

"Anna, you need to focus a bit more. Our time is limited. Why don't you tell me how you've been this week?"

"It was okay. My best friend's cousin is living with me now. She's a nice girl."

"That's good to hear. Have you told her that you are transgender?"

"What for should I do that?" I snarl at him, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"I could give you a long list of reasons but as our time is running out, I will keep it short for you. You should tell her because it's fair."

"Who has ever been fair to me for being honest? I have no friends apart from Kristoff and the folks from my self-support group. Elsa is a nice girl. She makes me feel normal when I'm with her. That's not something I'm willing to lose."

"Do you think lying to her is having a good influence on your friendship with said girl?" he asks me shoving his glasses up his nose again. I'm sure he's only wearing those because he thinks it makes him look smart somehow.

"Anna, honesty is an important part in any kind of relationship. I assure you that you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of."

"I am not ashamed. I just prefer keeping some things to myself. And whatever is or isn't having an influence on my relationship with Elsa, it sure as hell is none of your business."

"Wow. You're passionate about her. May I ask how you feel about this…what was her name again…Ella?"

"It's Elsa and no you may not ask about her. I don't want to talk about her."

"Why not?"

"I don't want to because it makes me feel uncomfortable discussing her with you."

"Are you in love with her?" he asks me, nibbling on the end of his pen before scrawling down some more notes.

"I don't like the way she makes me feel and at the same moment I like it a great deal. Sounds pretty weird doesn't it?"

"No, it doesn't. Is it scaring you that you're developing romantic feelings for a girl?"

"I don't have any romantic feelings for her. I don't know what kind of feelings I'm having. I like her. She's so nice to me. When she hugs me or touches my hand it's like she's setting my skin on fire."

"I assure you that it's perfectly normal to feel that way."

I clear my throat and swallow twice before asking him the question that I have managed to suppress during the last ten meetings with him.

"When are you going to sign the papers for my operation?"

"When I decide that you are ready for this step. Right now you should try to focus on other things in your life."

"Please, just sign the papers. I need this surgery so very much. I don't think I can wait any longer."

Stop begging this arrogant man right now. It makes you look desperate. Well, let's face it. You are desperate but still. Where is your pride, Anna?

"Please, I really do need the surgery. My life would be so much better if I didn't have this disgusting thing anymore."

"Time is up. Ill see you next week. Oh and Anna, the problems in your life aren't going to vanish with your SRS."

Back home I find Elsa asleep on the couch and for a moment I just sit down next to her, fighting the incredibly strong urge to circle my fingers down the inside of her arm. Then I take a blanket and put it carefully over her dainty body.

"You are back." She mumbles, opening her eyes again.

"Yes, I am. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"It's okay. I was just tired from the painkillers I took. I fucking hate my period so very much. Don't we all?"

I nod my head and try to remember if I still have my Alibi tampons in the bathroom. Buying them has filled me with such an almost sickish joy, it's pathetic.

"Do you have cramps?" I ask her, placing my hand hesitantly on her lower abdomen. She sighs as I start rubbing my fingers over her skin in slow circles.

"Oh that's better. How was the appointment with your doctor?"

"Not that good." I whisper, circling my thumb over her piercing.

"I'm sorry about that. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"But maybe it would make you feel better."

What would make me feel better is this goddamn sheet of papers for my vaginoplasty. No one wants to help me. I wished I was dead.

"Hey, why are you crying now?"

"It's nothing." I sob, standing up from the couch. She grabs my hand to keep me where I am. "Please, let me go. I would like to be alone now."

Inside my room, I bury my face against my pillows, trying to suffocate my sobs. My throat is raw when I feel Elsa hugging me tightly from behind.

"I'm so sorry you are sad. Isn't there anything I can do for you?"

Can you cut off my dick for me?

"No, there is not." I whisper hoarsely, reaching for a tissue on my nightstand. An old Polaroid picture falls down and Elsa manages to grab it before me.

"Oh, such a cute boy. Is that your brother? He has the same eyes as you.

 **thanks. for the story fav and follows i hope i can get some reviews next lol**


	5. 5

*5*

Sometimes when you start lying to someone it gets easier with every new lie you tell. At least most of the time it was like that for me, it had been like that for me. But of course with Elsa everything was different.

"That must have been hard for you losing your twin brother." she mumbles, stirring the little Marshmallow's in her hot chocolate around before taking a first hesitant sip on the hot drink.

"I prefer not talking about him, if that's okay." I whisper, starring out of the kitchen window. The sky outside is pitch-black and the strong wind that is blowing through the trees is already hinting to the nearing of a thunderstorm. I loved those when I was a little kid.

She nods her head and lifts her cup to her full mouth again. The brownish mark the drink leaves on her lower lip makes me want to run the tip of my tongue over it. I bet from that source the chocolate would taste twice as sweet.

Damn it, Anna. Stop thinking about her like that. It's so hopeless. There is no way she could ever accept someone like you, especially not at your current status. She's a lesbian. That most likely means she is repulsed by anything male-related. So, how could you ever be with her while you still have this thing down there?

"Anna, would you like to go out with me some time?"

Her cheeks turn into that beautiful crimson again when she stumbles out the question. For a moment I'm too shocked to react and she instantly seems to take that as a no.

"Forget it. It was a stupid idea. I'm probably not your type."

You are my type way more than you should be my type, I think sadly in my head.

"You're a very pretty girl." I whisper, leaning back against the kitchen counter. "But I'm not right for you."

"Why?" she asks me, standing up from her chair.

When she walks towards me, I feel the thrumming of my heart in my chest increasing to an almost painfully speed.

"I don't know. Well, I'm not like you. I'm different…sort of."

"Oh I get it. You are straight."

I'm probably the complete opposite of straight but anyway. If her thinking me straight ends this tension between us, I'll go with it.

"Yes," I tell her, trying to keep my voice hard. "I'm straight."

"Too bad." she whispers. "I actually thought you had a thing for me. Usually I'm good with reading the signs but anyway. You can't help it if you like dicks."

Liking dicks? I don't even like my own and can't wait to get rid of it. But the thought of touching a man's genitalia is simply repulsing to me. I like women, their warmth and softness. I wished I could bring up the courage to just lean forward and kiss the tiny Blonde-haired beauty in front of me.

I don't dare too. It's too risky.

"We could still go out, as friends, can't we? See a movie or something."

"Sure, if you liked that. It will be fun."

Yeah, sitting next to her in a dark movie theatre with her thigh touching accidentally against my knee that sounds like a hell lot of fun and torture combined all in one.

"Great. You can choose the movie, if you want to. Probably you want to see something with a hot guy in it. I wonder what your type is, someone like Kristoff perhaps? That would suck because he's taken now."

"Kristoff is like my brother. The thought of me and him together, that's just weird."

She places her delicate hand on my forearm and runs her fingertips down my pale skin until she reaches my fingertips.

"You don't prick your fingers."

"What?"

"Your fingertips, you don't prick them. I always thought diabetic patients would need to do that in order to check their blood sugar."

"Mind your own business." I hiss at her, turning around to rush out of the kitchen. In the living room, I kneel down on the couch and bury my face on my knees.

Stupid, stupid, Anna, congratulations on your incredible stupidity.

"Hey, why are you so mad at me now? You're acting like you are ashamed of being sick."

"You are so very observant. I can't handle that. It makes me feel like being watched 24/7."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I have a tendency to just say everything that comes up in my mind before considering if it's ok. My ex hated that on me."

"How long have the two of you been together?" I ask her in an attempt to lead our conversation from me and my so-called medical problems to her.

"About two years."

"That's a long time."

"It was too long actually. I should have broken up with her earlier but I was too chicken to be alone. Pretty pathetic isn't it?"

"No, it's not. A lot of people have problems with being alone. Do you miss her?"

"She was a bitch to me most of the time but still I miss being taken care of. I don't miss being commanded around all the time. Oh and of course, I miss the sex. I thought about buying some toys for me but I'm too shy to go to a shop."

"You could probably order them online." I whisper, trying to ignore the beginning stirring of my dick in my sweatpants.

"Are you alright, your face looks a bit flushed."

"I'm just warm." I state, placing a pillow on my crotch in an attempt to hide my erection.

Hearing her talk about sex while she is sitting close to me isn't something my traitorous body is able to handle very well. I want her so very badly but I know I can never have her.


	6. 6

It takes me over two hours to prepare myself mentally and physically for my non-date with Elsa. At first I take a shower and try to solve a bit of the tension in the least favorite part of my body by rubbing my palm up and down my hardened length until I can hear the beginning spasms of my climax. It is her face that I picture in front of me in that very moment and that makes the entire procedure even sicker than it already is. I shouldn't be able to feel anything with my dick. I hate it. I wished I would bring up the courage to just cut if off. You can survive doing that sort of stuff. Can't you?

Afterwards I massage some body lotion into my skin that smells deliciously of oranges and cinnamon. My fingers cup my breasts, circling a bit over the soft mounds. I like how they feel against my palm, like they were always meant to be there. The result of five years of estrogen treatment is amazing. By now they are a nice c-cup and I probably won't even need to undergo a breast surgery. At least one surgery I won't need. The thought puts a bitter smile on my face.

I apply my makeup in a calm routine, trying to focus my attention on not messing up my eye-liner. When I'm finished I force myself to smile at myself. You look alright, I whisper. Then I circle my thumb hesitantly over my chin, searching for any hints of unwanted hair. There hasn't been any in over a year. Not since I completed my last electrolysis session but still. I would rather die than ever having to shave my face again.

Stepping inside a shoulder-free top and a plain black skirt, I turn around and risk a hesitant look into the full length mirror.

So, this is as good as it's going to get, Anna. Try to get used to it. This is you.

When I open the bathroom door, Elsa is standing right in front of me.

"I felt very tempted to make sure you hadn't fainted underneath the shower or something."

"Sorry, I tend to lose track of time now and then. Are we going to be late?"

She shakes her head and walks around me, her eyes wandering up and down on my body. Maybe I should better have put on a blouse and a pair of jeans.

"Wow, that's a cute tattoo." she whispers, letting the tip of her dainty finger circle over my shoulder. "A mermaid; how did you come up with that?"

I take a step backwards and grab my jacket from the couch before putting it on. The touch of her fingers has managed to set something like a zillion butterflies free and all of them are swirling around in my stomach.

"Anna?"

"I always liked mermaids so much when I was a little child. I mean, they are pretty awesome, aren't they?

And they don't have to worry about their genitalia. I would change this thing down there for a tail anytime.

During the drive to the movie theatre both of us are silent and only Elsa's humming to the music in the radio makes me aware that I'm not alone in the car.

"Don't take this wrong but you really do look lovely tonight."

"What?"

"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable by complimenting you. I know you don't share my interests in women."

I'm interested in you. That and in getting my goddamn vaginoplasty as soon as possible. If I had that my life would be so much easier. Would Elsa notice the difference between me and a biological woman? My face heats at the thought and I'm glad for the horrible neon light inside the movie theatre.

"Anna! How nice to see you around."

I swallow hard and sigh deeply. James and Victoria are the last two people on earth that I want to meet. Victoria goes to the same self-support group as me and I can't stand that woman for crying out loud. She thinks herself a star because she is dating this moron of a porn producer now but the truth is that she is selling whatever is left of her soul by staring in these she-male porn movies.

"Hi," I mumble towards the ground.

"You look hot today, A. Your passing is so incredible."

"Vicky, please. Keep your mouth shut."

Elsa returns with the tickets and because James and Vicky are still standing right next to me I'm forced to introduce them to her.

"Always nice to meet, Anna's friends," Vicky tells her, trying to keep her voice overly high and sweet.

"I'm sorry but we have to leave now. See you soon." I tell them, wrapping my arm around Elsa's tiny waist to pull her away from them.

"These are friends of yours?"

"Not exactly,"

"The dude was scary somehow."

"I know. Can we please not talk about them now? I don't want them to ruin our evening."

She nods her head and sits down on her seat, taking a sip from the coke before she starts nibbling on the popcorn. I'm way too nervous to eat myself but when the lights go out, I still reach out my hand to take a handful of the buttered popcorn.

The movie is gross, a bloodbath from the first minute, without any sort of alibi plot between the fight sequences. I spend more time looking at Elsa who is biting her fingernails instead of paying attention to what is going on on the screen.

Suddenly, she drops the popcorn to the ground and wraps her arms around my neck, burying her face against my chest.

"Tell me when it's over okay?" she whispers while my senses go in some sort of overload modus. Her smell, like sweet vanilla and the feeling of her warm, delicate body so close to mine are more than I can endure. But still, I just can't find it in me to push her away


	7. 7

*7*

The tension between me and Elsa is so strong that I can hardly endure being in the same car with her during our ride home from the movie theatre Every time she touches me accidentally while she fumbles around on the radio stations I jump. It is a miracle that we make it home without crashing against a tree or another car.

"Are you mad at me because the movie sucked? You shouldn't have let me pick one."

"I'm not mad at you."

"But you're so quiet."

I sigh deeply and turn the engine of the car off.

"Not everyone likes talking as much as you do."

Crap. That came out so rude. God damn it, Anna. You're so stupid.

Elsa's face reddens and she leans forward, pretending to tie her shoe laces again. Unfortunately that gives me a deeper view right into her cleavage and I feel the blood rushing into my groin when I see the black lace of her bra looking so temptingly against her pale skin.

"I'm sorry," both of us whisper simultaneously.

A shy smile flashes over Elsa's pretty face and I want to plant a soft kiss over the cute dimples in her cheeks so very badly that my lips start prickling nervously.

"There was something strange about that red-headed woman we met at the movie theatre. I just don't know what it was. Maybe I've seen her before somewhere."

For a split second I wonder if it could be that Elsa has seen one of Vicky's movies. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. The hardcore porn shit Vicky's boyfriend/pimp/manager is producing with her isn't something I would like Elsa to see. She seems so innocent to me, like she knows nothing about the evil in the world.

"From where do you know her?"

"Doesn't matter," I mumble, remembering that my self-support group has its monthly meeting tomorrow night. Maybe I should discuss my unwanted feelings for the beautiful blonde-haired woman, who is living with me now, with them. I make a mental note to give it a try. Usually I talk to Kristoff when I have anything that bothers me but as he's away on his honeymoon with his witch of a wife, I can't discuss my problems with him.

"I'll be reading in my room to not disturb you anymore with my permanent talking." Elsa mumbles, grabbing a book from the wooden shelf in my living room.

Before she turns around I place my hand on her forearm, trying to ignore the tingly feeling in my stomach as our skin touches.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that when I told you that not everyone likes talking so much as you. I like that you are so bubbly, I really do."

She reaches out her hand and twists a wisp of my long hair around her fingers, playing a bit with it before letting it go with a deep sigh.

"I don't get you."

"What?"

"I don't get you. Sometimes, I feel like as if you feel the same attraction towards me than I feel for you but then you always shrug back. It's as if you were afraid to burn yourself if you touch me."

"Elsa, please. I am not for right for you. As I already told you I'm different…kind of."

"You've only been with men before. It's understandable that it makes you nervous that you feel drawn towards a woman now."

"I'm not attracted to you. You're seeing things that aren't really there."

My heart cramps painfully in my chest. Of all the lies I have told her so far, this seems like the worst. It's because as soon as the words are out of my mouth I see the disappointment in her blue eyes.

She nods her head and goes to her room while I remain sitting on the couch to zap through the channels until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

The door to my bedroom is pulled open, and I swallow hard when she closes the distance between the door and my bed with a few graceful steps. She's completely naked and when she sits down next to me, I lean forward, cupping her small breasts in my hands to massage them until the tiny nipples are hard against my palms.

"You want me, don't you? I can feel it." her voice is hoarse against my ear while her dainty hand moves underneath the blanket to wrap her warm fingers around my shaft.

"So hard for me, aren't you?"

I kiss her lips, letting my tongue glide inside her mouth with a loud groan.

Pulling her on top of me, I can feel the slick wetness on her bare pussy lips against my length as I rub it up and down a bit, coating myself in her warm essence.

"Fuck me. Oh please fuck me."

Her moans make my dick throb with need and the moment I push inside her tight heat, I wake up again. My skin covered in a thin layer of sweat. My sheets are sticky with the aftermath of my release.

I change them with trembling hands and because I know that there is no way for me going back to sleep, I grab the ruined sheets from the ground to start the laundry.

"Can't you sleep?" A tired voice mumbles behind me and I drop the stain remover to the ground.

"Crap,"

"Did I startle you? I'm sorry about that."

"Elsa, please stop apologizing all the time. It makes me feel awkward."

"I'm sor- Forget it. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong with you."

"It's not you. It's just me. You are confusing me so much. I like you but we can't be together. It's impossible."

She stands up on her toes and plants a kiss on my cheek, caressing my hair with her fingertips before she speaks up again.

"Tell me you don't like me."

"I do like you. I just can't be with you. I'm not right for you."

"You keep repeating yourself. Don't you think that I should be the one to decide who is wrong or right for me?


	8. 8

„And what did you answer her?" Jake asks me, crumbling the empty can of root beer between his fingers. The muscles in his upper arm flexed against the fabric of his shirt, almost tearing the sleeves apart. How much weight had he gained in the last six month? About thirty pounds?

I was almost a hundred percent sure that he was on some illegal steroids and combined with the testosterone injections it made him such an awfully aggressive person.

"Hello, earth to Anna? What did you tell Kristoff's cousin?"

"I told her that I wanted to be friends, just friends." I mumble, hugging myself as if I was afraid to fall apart. The sad expression on Elsa's face when I had rejected her pained me greatly.

Leon chuckles bitterly before spitting a toothpick he had been chewing to the ground.

"Friends," he made the word two syllables. "Last time I checked being friends doesn't include having wet dreams about said friend."

"Oh Leon, just shove it. You're just jealous because you don't get any wet dreams."

"He doesn't have friends either cause he's still a bitch." Erica stats, crossing her left leg carefully over her right one. I envied her so much for already having completed all her surgeries, and if I hadn't been so shy, I would have asked her to let me take a look at her brand new vagina.

"You're all a bunch of whiny shitheads and none of you has a backbone." Leon growls crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Why are you hanging out with us then?" Vicky asks him, as usually speaking in an overly sweet tone.

"My therapist is forcing me to attend this bullshit here. If I'll stop, she won't sign the fucking papers for my mastectomy."

Ben sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose before clearing his voice loudly.

"Guys, please. Do I really have to remind you of the basic rules of this group? We are here to support each other. No judging and no trading insults. Don't you think we get enough of that outside this room?"

"But Anna's whining about this Ella…Ellie or whatever her name is; it's pissing me off." Leon says with the usual frown upon his face. He was such a horribly embittered person, it was unbearable.

"Elsa. Her name is Elsa." I whisper, staring down at my freshly manicured hands in my lap. "Her name is Elsa and I can't stop thinking about her. I can't remember having felt like this ever before in my life. I'm in love. God, this is so hopeless."

"Don't say that. I think that you should consider telling her the truth." Erica says, taking my hand to squeeze it. "Chillex a bit. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"She could freak and run. Remember when Kristoff told Tanya that I was transgender? She made a hysterical scene right in the middle of the restaurant, as if I was about to rape her or something."

"Kristoff's wife knows shit. Tanya is a just a bitch in need of a Green Card." Leon says, pulling another toothpick out of the pockets of his jeans.

"Yeah one bitch always knows another." Jake stats flexing his biceps again. Why the hell was he doing that all the time? It was so ridiculous.

"Watch your mouth, Black, before I make you pick up your front teeth from the floor."

"Guys! It's enough now. I'm losing my patience with the two of you."

"Sure, sure."

"Jake, I mean it. The purpose of this group is not to provoke each other."

"Exactly," Erica whispers, rubbing her thumb over my wrist. I pull my hand away from her because this small tender caress makes me feel awkward somehow. I wasn't interested in starting anything with her, although that would be so very much easier than with Elsa.

"I say Anna should tell Elsa. Maybe she'll even think it's hot that Elsa has some extra parts. I mean, dykes use toys all the time, don't they. Your cock is like a natural dildo…sort of."

"Vicky, you want me to think of this thing down there as a toy?" I ask her, unable to suppress the disgust in my voice.

"I say, make the best of your body. If you weren't such a prude, you could make tons of money with movies and cam stuff. James would love to hire you."

"Not interested."

"Why? It's just sex. Don't you need the extra money for your bottom surgery?"

"I have the money I inherited from my late grandmother to use it for my surgery. Thanks for your concern. The thing is, I don't want to fuck with some random stranger in front of a camera. The thought is just disgusting to me."

"But you want to fuck that little blonde-haired girl, don't you. Guys, let me tell you. She's a real looker. No wonder Anna is horny for her. I would love to fuck her senseless myself."

"YOU will leave her alone. I swear, if I find out about you starting any moves on her, you'll regret it."

"Protective about her, aren't you? Crap, you really have it thick for her."

"Mind your own business."

"Time's up." Ben told us, standing up from his chair. "I'll see you all on Saturday at the wedding. Try not to embarrass me in front of my fiancée."

"We're all going to cheer for you and Angie." Erica stats cheerfully before grabbing her handbag. "I'm so happy the authorities finally changed your papers so that the two of you can tie the knot."

When the others are out of the room, I sigh deeply and start to pile the plastic chairs in a corner.

"Anna, you really should talk to Elsa. All this telling lies, it won't lead to anything good." Ben tells me, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"But I'm scared." I whisper hoarsely. "What if—?"

"Stop worrying about that so much. If she can't accept you the way you are, well than she's just not the one for you."


	9. 9

*9*

Elsa is in her room when I make it home, her eyes focused on the sunflower painting in front of her. There is a tiny droplet of yellow paint on her left cheek and I lean forward to rub it away with a cloth that's laying on her nightstand. The small room is terribly crowded. Maybe she needs more space to work?

"The painting is so pretty. You're talented." I tell her, admiring her work.

"Thanks. But the truth is that it's really bad. I'll never be good enough. Lauren was right about that. I'm wasting my time with this instead of focusing on College."

I sit down on the edge of the twin bed and sigh deeply. My throat feels too tight to speak at all but somehow I manage it.

"Is this Lauren your ex?"

"Yes, she is. Maybe I should have stayed with her. At least I wouldn't be alone than."

"But you told me that she treated you badly. I don't understand why you would want her back."

Elsa sits down next to me, placing her dainty hand on my thigh. The touch of her fingers is sending a wave of pleasant warmth through my body. God, damn it, Anna, try to focus. You are here to tell her the truth. You have to tell her the truth.

"Why don't you want to be with me? Is it because I'm a girl or am I unattractive somehow?"

"What? No, of course not. You are the prettiest girl I ever met. Like I told you before, the problem is me, not you."

"I think that's a lame excuse. If you like me, why don't you want to be with me?"

"Elsa, please, this is so complicated. I don't know how to start."

"Starting is easy," Elsa whispers hoarsely before she cups my face carefully in both of her small hands. I hold my breath when her lips touch mine tenderly. Her kiss is so soft and in that very moment I feel more feminine than ever before in my life.

The tip of her tongue circles over my upper lip, teasing it playfully until I finally part my mouth with a moan. The feeling of my tongue against hers is heavenly. Before I can consider the possible consequences of my actions I pull her on my lap, wrapping my arms around her waist while our lips and tongues move with each other. Then she starts sucking gently on my tongue and the sensations this caress sends through my body are so overwhelming that my eyes roll back in my head.

I can feel the pulsing in my dick as it hardens underneath Elsa's backside and quickly I try to shove her down again but it's already too late. She has noticedit.

"Oh my God, what's that? What are you? Is this some kind of weird joke?"

She practically jumps from my lap, her entire body trembling so much that she collapses to the ground in a corner of the room.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper through the tears that start pouring down my face like fresh rain. All the tension of the last weeks breaks free and I can't manage to calm myself down again.

Elsa cries too, silently, rocking herself back and forth while dry sobs leave her quivering lips. I wonder if she's going to go into some shocked mode now. Damn it, I didn't mean for her to find out like this.

"What are you? I don't understand this. You feel soft, like a woman. I felt your breasts against mine through your shirt. How can you have a…cock?" the last word dies in her throat and it breaks my heart that I managed to scare her so very much. I want to be dead, just dead so that I don't have to deal with this horrible situation now.

"Elsa," I start eventually, kneeling down in front of her. I wipe my running nose at the back of my hand and take several deep breaths before speaking up.

"I'm sorry you had to find out like this. I wanted to tell you. I just didn't know how. I was scared."

"I'm the one who's scared now." Elsa mumbles, searching the pockets of her jeans for a tissue. When she eventually finds one, she blows her nose loudly. Her hands are still trembling. Crap, did I actually frighten her so much?

"Please let me explain." I whisper, reaching out my hand to place it on hers.

"Don't touch me!"

"I'm sorry. Oh Elsa, I'm so very sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Please, don't be afraid. I won't harm you. You don't have to be afraid."

"Promise?"

"I swear. I could never hurt you. It's impossible. You mean so much to me."

"Anna; is that even your real name?"

"Yes it is. But it's not the name my parents chose for me when I was born. Do you remember the Polaroid of my twin that you found?" I ask her, my voice shaking more with every word that comes out of my mouth.

"Brian, wasn't it? Who died in the same car accident as your parents."

"There has never been a car accident. My mother and my father are still living in Georgia. They are the neighbors of your uncle Carter and your aunt Emma. I haven't spoken one single word to my parents in years. I'm the one who's dead to them."

"And what about Brian? Aren't you talking to him as well?"

"Well, he wasn't my brother. He was…god, this is so difficult. I was him and you can't even imagine how much I hated being him. I wanted to kill myself so many times when I still had to be him. It was like being trapped inside my own body."

"Are you trying to tell me you were a guy?"

"No, I wasn't, not even when I was a little boy. I always knew I was a girl, always


	10. 10

Was anything of the stuff that you've told me true?" Elsa asks me, her voice sounding hoarse from the crying. My own throat is sore, my eyes burning from the smeared mascara and eyeliner but apart from that I feel numb. I had been so scared of this moment and now that it was there it seemed even worse to me than I could imagine it.

"Why did you lie to me?" she croaks out, wiping her reddened nose on the wrinkled tissue between her hands.

"I was scared." I whisper. "I was so terribly scared."

Elsa sniffs again and starts rubbing up and down her forearms with her fingertips. I take a deep breath and hand her a blanket from the bed, carefully making sure not to startle her by touching her directly.

"Here, I don't want you to be cold."

"Thanks."

She wraps the blanket around her shoulders and for an awkward long time she doesn't speak at all. Her eyes move down from my face to my chest and eventually down to my crotch. I grab a pillow and place it on my lap, trying to hide the rising blush in my cheeks by using my long hair as some sort of shield.

"You were scared about how I was going to react." she stats, speaking so low that it's barely audible. "You were scared I would react badly, weren't you?"

"Yes, I was. I still wanted to tell you today. They all thought it would be the right thing to tell you."

"Who are they?"

"The people from my self-support group; we had a meeting today."

"I knew you weren't boring enough for a book club. Are the people in that group, are they all like you?"

"We're all a bunch of freaks that were born in the wrong body. Remember the red-head from the movie theatre – Vicky? She's also in it."

"Hmm, I still don't like it when someone lies to me. It makes me angry, especially if it's something important."

"Yeah, that was a stupid idea. I should have told you right away, but I couldn't. You were so utterly convinced I was female. It made me feel so…normal. I'm sorry for lying to you and also about how you found out about my secret."

"I'm sorry too." she whispers, standing up from the ground again. When she sits down on the bed and pets the place next to her, I hesitate.

"I'm sorry for how I yelled at you when I noticed…well, when I noticed thatthing. I'm not a really a member of the penis fan club."

"Neither am I. And I'm the one who has to live with such a thing, every fucking day of my life." I mumble, slowly sitting down next to Elsa on the bed. A dry sob leaves my mouth and when I gasp for air I taste a bitter mixture of make-up and tears on the tip of my tongue.

Then, suddenly I'm in Elsa's dainty arms, the blanket around both of us like a tight cocoon. She hums against my ear and I cry and cry until I'm completely exhausted.

"I'm sorry, Anna. I probably made everything worse for you with how I reacted. I'm really sorry."

"I've had worse." I mumble. "Tanya made a pretty ugly scene when Keistoff told her I'm transgender."

"Did you kiss his wife too?"

"That witch? No, of course not. She isn't even my type."

"Am I your type?"

"I don't think that matters anymore." I tell her, standing up from the bed. I walk into the kitchen and splash some water into my face before pulling a carton of milk out of the fridge. My eyes catch my reflection in the window above the sink and I shrug back. Crap, I look like trash.

"I hate that you always drink the milk from the box. That's totally unhygienic."

I turn around and nod my head before grabbing two glasses from the cupboard. When I hand Elsa hers, my hands are trembling again. God, I'm so nervous around her. I can't handle this.

"You are wrong." she stats, taking a first sip from the milk. "It does matter if I'm your type or not. It matters to me."

I nod my head, drinking down the entire content of my glass in one thirsty gulp.

"When you told me you think me pretty was that also a lie?"

"No, that was the truth." My dry lips curl up into a weak smile and when Elsa smiles back at me, a wave of calming warmth spreads through my body. She wouldn't smile at me like that if she truly hated me.

"Can I ask you something? Why do you look so much like a woman? You don't even have an Adam's apple."

Automatically my hand reaches up to my throat. "Surgery," I whisper nervously. "And I'm on a hormone treatment. Remember my insulin injections? In truth they are testosterone blockers."

"Testosterone blockers? Don't you need to take estrogen if you want to become a woman?"

"It's complicated. I'm on some estrogen pills too. The testo blockers are supposed to help them work better and prevent reactions…well, like the one that happened when you kissed me."

"Oh," she gasps, her face turning into a dark crimson color. "So, that was because of me?"

There is a slight hint of pride in her voice but I'm not completely sure about it. Maybe she just doesn't know what to say. This situation is so awkward. Should I ask her to move out? No, I don't want her to.

"Anna?

"I can't control my dick. It's a bit as if it has a brain of its own. But to answer your question; yes, it was because of you. Feeling you so close that was…a bit much. You are very attractive…physically I mean."

She leans back against the wall behind her, another smile, this time a shy one hushes over her pretty face. Her mascara is smeared all over her cheeks and still. Elsa is so incredibly beautiful to me.

It's in this moment that I realize how much she already means to me.

Was anything of the stuff that you've told me true?" Elsa asks me, her voice sounding hoarse from the crying. My own throat is sore, my eyes burning from the smeared mascara and eyeliner but apart from that I feel numb. I had been so scared of this moment and now that it was there it seemed even worse to me than I could imagine it.

"Why did you lie to me?" she croaks out, wiping her reddened nose on the wrinkled tissue between her hands.

"I was scared." I whisper. "I was so terribly scared."

Elsa sniffs again and starts rubbing up and down her forearms with her fingertips. I take a deep breath and hand her a blanket from the bed, carefully making sure not to startle her by touching her directly.

"Here, I don't want you to be cold."

"Thanks."

She wraps the blanket around her shoulders and for an awkward long time she doesn't speak at all. Her eyes move down from my face to my chest and eventually down to my crotch. I grab a pillow and place it on my lap, trying to hide the rising blush in my cheeks by using my long hair as some sort of shield.

"You were scared about how I was going to react." she stats, speaking so low that it's barely audible. "You were scared I would react badly, weren't you?"

"Yes, I was. I still wanted to tell you today. They all thought it would be the right thing to tell you."

"Who are they?"

"The people from my self-support group; we had a meeting today."

"I knew you weren't boring enough for a book club. Are the people in that group, are they all like you?"

"We're all a bunch of freaks that were born in the wrong body. Remember the red-head from the movie theatre – Vicky? She's also in it."

"Hmm, I still don't like it when someone lies to me. It makes me angry, especially if it's something important."

"Yeah, that was a stupid idea. I should have told you right away, but I couldn't. You were so utterly convinced I was female. It made me feel so…normal. I'm sorry for lying to you and also about how you found out about my secret."

"I'm sorry too." she whispers, standing up from the ground again. When she sits down on the bed and pets the place next to her, I hesitate.

"I'm sorry for how I yelled at you when I noticed…well, when I noticed thatthing. I'm not a really a member of the penis fan club."

"Neither am I. And I'm the one who has to live with such a thing, every fucking day of my life." I mumble, slowly sitting down next to Elsa on the bed. A dry sob leaves my mouth and when I gasp for air I taste a bitter mixture of make-up and tears on the tip of my tongue.

Then, suddenly I'm in Elsa's dainty arms, the blanket around both of us like a tight cocoon. She hums against my ear and I cry and cry until I'm completely exhausted.

"I'm sorry, Anna. I probably made everything worse for you with how I reacted. I'm really sorry."

"I've had worse." I mumble. "Tanya made a pretty ugly scene when Kristoff told her I'm transgender."

"Did you kiss his wife too?"

"That witch? No, of course not. She isn't even my type."

"Am I your type?"

"I don't think that matters anymore." I tell her, standing up from the bed. I walk into the kitchen and splash some water into my face before pulling a carton of milk out of the fridge. My eyes catch my reflection in the window above the sink and I shrug back. Crap, I look like trash.

"I hate that you always drink the milk from the box. That's totally unhygienic."

I turn around and nod my head before grabbing two glasses from the cupboard. When I hand Elsa hers, my hands are trembling again. God, I'm so nervous around her. I can't handle this.

"You are wrong." she stats, taking a first sip from the milk. "It does matter if I'm your type or not. It matters to me."

I nod my head, drinking down the entire content of my glass in one thirsty gulp.

"When you told me you think I'm pretty was that also a lie?"

"No, that was the truth." My dry lips curl up into a weak smile and when Elsa smiles back at me, a wave of calming warmth spreads through my body. She wouldn't smile at me like that if she truly hated me.

"Can I ask you something? Why do you look so much like a woman? You don't even have an Adam's apple."

Automatically my hand reaches up to my throat. "Surgery," I whisper nervously. "And I'm on a hormone treatment. Remember my insulin injections? In truth they are testosterone blockers."

"Testosterone blockers? Don't you need to take estrogen if you want to become a woman?"

"It's complicated. I'm on some estrogen pills too. The testo blockers are supposed to help them work better and prevent reactions…well, like the one that happened when you kissed me."

"Oh," she gasps, her face turning into a dark crimson color. "So, that was because of me?"

There is a slight hint of pride in her voice but I'm not completely sure about it. Maybe she just doesn't know what to say. This situation is so awkward. Should I ask her to move out? No, I don't want her to.

"Anna?

"I can't control my dick. It's a bit as if it has a brain of its own. But to answer your question; yes, it was because of you. Feeling you so close that was…a bit much. You are very attractive…physically I mean."

She leans back against the wall behind her, another smile, this time a shy one hushes over her pretty face. Her mascara is smeared all over her cheeks and still. Elsa is so incredibly beautiful to me.

It's in this moment that I realize how much she already means to me.


	11. 11

We don't go to sleep that night. Instead we sit in the kitchen and talk. I tell her everything about me and in a way it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. Elsa is very silent while she sits opposite of me but now and then another trail of tears trickle down her jaw.

"I hate your parents. I hate them for how they treated you."

"It's okay. This is just how things are. For them the situation is difficult too. They have lost their son."

"But they could have a daughter now, a wonderful, caring, warm-hearted daughter."

My face warms and I fight the instinctive urge to lean over the wooden kitchen table and kiss her again. She probably wouldn't like that.

"I'm still sorry." she whispers, pouring herself a glass of water.

"Don't have to be. I don't want anyone's pity. What I want is to be accepted as what I was always meant to be."

"Yes."

"I wished they wouldn't make it so difficult for me to get my surgery. If I'd get rid of my….well of that thing, everything would be so much easier."

Elsa starts biting off some purple nail polish from her fingernails and her cheeks turn from pink to a bright red before she speaks up again.

"And you will have like a real vagina down there once they are done with that surgery?"

"Well, that's what I hope for."

"And will you be able to feel with that…like normal? I mean like I do?"

"I don't know. But Erica says it was like an immense relief when she woke up again, as if she was reborn somehow."

"Erica is a woman from your group. Right?"

"Yes, she is."

I stand up from my chair and pull one of my testo blocker injections out of the fridge.

"I'll be right back." I mumble walking down to the bathroom. When I hear Elsa behind me, I turn around so abruptly that I drop my medication to the ground.

"Let me help you. I know how to give shots. Uncle Carter showed me how to do that."

Probably on an orange or something like that, I think, searching for some disinfectant spray in the bathroom cabinet.

I sit down on the edge of the bathtub and spray a bit of the disinfectant on my side. Elsa's fingers are warm against my hip and for a moment I'm so distracted by their gentle caress that I barely feel how the sharp needle breaks through my skin.

"See, already done. Do you want a band-aid?"

"Not necessary."

She pulls my shirt down again and for a split second it looks as if she's about to blow a kiss over the tiny wound in my skin. Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

"You didn't have to do that." I whisper nervously.

"I know but I wanted to. I'm still so sorry for how I reacted. I probably made you feel bad when I did that. I hate narrow minded people so very much. But when I noticed that thing, it was just…just."

"A bit too much,"

"No, it's not like that. When I noticed that thing on you, it brought up some very unpleasant memories of something I thought I had already forgotten. I'm sorry for leashing that out on you."

"Can we just stop talking about it?"

"Sure, if that's what you want."

"Yes, I 'd prefer that. I think we should try to catch a bit of sleep now. Good night, Elsa."

"Can I stay in your room?"

"With me?" my voice cracks and comes out way too high and shrill.

"I don't want to be alone. But if you don't want my company, I totally understand."

We end up in my bed together, a thick layer of blankets between us. Elsa nuzzles her face against my shoulder from behind and I feel shivers running down my spine as her lips brush over the spot right underneath my earlobe.

"Don't,"

"Doesn't it feel good." she whispers, teasing the shell of my ear with the tip of her tongue.

I can already feel myself getting hard again. Damn it. This medication is completely useless. Try to think of something not sexy. God, this is not working when she's so close to me.

"Try to sleep, Elsa."

"I'm not tired."

"But I am. So, please stop making me nervous and let me sleep a bit."

"I'm making you nervous?"

I nod my head and press another pillow on my throbbing dick. I wished I had some ice to put on it. That would sure as hell help with my hard-on.

"Yes, you do."

"Do you like me, Anna? I mean like really like me?"

"Go to sleep."

"But I need to know."

"Elsa, I'm going to sleep on the couch if you don't stop talking. It doesn't matter how I feel about you. I know we can't be together."

"Why?" she asks, suckling my earlobe between her front teeth to nibble it.

"Because it would be so complicated. It's obvious that you are not really fond of my manly parts and as it might take another few months until my loser of a therapist signs my papers—"

"Maybe we could just ignore them."

Oh Elsa, you are so naïve. How can I ignore this painful erection?

I stand up, trying desperately to hide it when I walk towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Peeing,"

"You take your pillows with you when you go to pee? That's gross."

"Oh Elsa, please, you are embarrassing me with all your questions."

I rush to the bathroom and drop out of my sweats my and shirt. The water of the shower is so icy when I press it directly on my erection that I hiss though my teeth to keep me from screaming. The pain that hits me like a zillion of needle stitches is awful but still, I stay right where I am until my entire body is shivering from the cold


	12. 12

My nose is blocked when I wake up in the late afternoon hours. I sniff and cough, circling my fingertips over my sore throat. I feel horrible and when I open my eyes a dull pain rushes through my temples.

"Morning, beautiful girl." Elsa greets me cheerfully. How long has she been up yet?

She already has some red paint in her blonde hair and her face seems to be glowing with excitement.

"You sleep as if you were dead and you snore."

"Sorry about that." I croak, noticing that my throat is so raw as if I had cut it with sharp glass pieces.

"You sound sick. Are you okay?"

I sneeze and when I sit up in the bed I start coughing dryly. Damn it, I hate being sick so very much.

""I'm fine. It's just a cold."

"Do you know what made you sick; going back to bed with your hair all wet. You should have blow-dried it."

"Elsa, it's not going to make me feel better if you give me tips like that."

She sits down next to me, placing a dainty hand carefully on my forehead. Her fingers are cold and that feels incredibly good against my skin.

"I think you have a fever."

"And I think you're not a doctor."

Elsa pulls the blankets over me and plants a kiss on my messy curls before rushing out of my bedroom. I swallow my estrogen pills with a glass of lukewarm water from my nightstand before drifting back to sleep.

The smell of chicken and onions wakes me up again.

"I tried to call Uncle Carter but he was in surgery. Aunt Emily said it would make you feel better to eat some soup, so I made some for you."

"You didn't have to." I mumble, rubbing my tired eyes. My muscles ache and I wonder if I should take some of the cough medicine in the bathroom cabinet.

"I know. But I wanted to. Now be a good girl and open your mouth for me."

The soup is hot, burning my tongue and it tastes like salt and onions with tiny pieces of chicken breast in it.

"Is it good?"

"Hmm,"

She keeps feeding me as if I was a baby and it is not the warmth of the soup that is spreading through me but the unfamiliar feeling of being taken care of. Tears fill my eyes and I take a deep breathe through my sore throat in an attempt to hold them back.

"Are you in pain? I could get you some Aspirin or something."

"No,"

"No, you're not in pain or no, you don't want any meds?"

"There's some Advil in the bathroom. Can you get that for me?"

She returns shortly, handing me a glass filled with orange juice and two pills.

"Here we go. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"Why are you so nice to me?" I whisper hoarsely, wiping some tears from the corner of my eyes.

"Well, firstly because you are sick and secondly, way more important, I care about you."

She leans forward and very gently her lips brush against my dry ones for a moment.

"Don't. You are going to get sick too."

"Me? Never. Don't worry about that. Now, let's see if you have anything to read here, a nice fashion magazine or something."

Opening my nightstand the small folder I put inside of it falls down. Elsa catches it and starts flipping through it. Someone needs to tell this girl the basic rules of respecting other people's privacy.

"Orchiectomy? What is that supposed to be?"

"Please, put that away. I feel awkward for talking about that sort of stuff with you, Elsa."

"But I want to know everything about you. I need to know because you're important to me."

I sigh deeply, finishing the rest of the orange juice before placing it next to me on the ground.

"An Orchiectomy is basically a castration. They remove the testicles and in a result of this I wouldn't need to take the testo blockers anymore."

It also will end my ability to have kids but that topic is so difficult for me that I didn't even want to discuss it with the people in my group.

"But that would be good. Right? I mean you don't want to be on medication for the rest of your life."

"The medication is my life. All that you see here in front of you, that's all because of the estrogen I'm taking. I can never stop with that, never."

"And the testo blockers?"

"Well, I won't need to take these anymore once I get my vaginoplasty. The Orchiectomy would just be…like a step in between. I'm not sure about it though. It's not what I want. I mean…that thing would still be down there."

"Can't you ask your therapist to sign your papers sooner? I mean, you do know what you want. Don't you?"

"Dr. Hans is an asshole. He says I'm not ready for that step. Damn it, I've been ready for that step since I was like two years old."

"Maybe I should talk to him? I can be very, very convincing."

"Elsa, I don't think this is going to work. I probably just have to be a bit more patient for a little while. It's just that now that I met you…things seem even more complicated."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be. It's not your fault. I'm just scared you are going to make a run. Like I told you before; my penis isn't really connected to my brain. I can't control when I get aroused and you made it pretty clear that you don't like it too much."

"Am I…arousing you?" she whispered, letting her fingertips move down my cheekbone.

"Why do you think I took a cold shower this morning? I had to get rid of my erection."

"You could have told me that I was making you uncomfortable."

"I was embarrassed." I mumble, rubbing my aching throat with my hand.

Elsa pulls a scarf out of my closet and wraps it carefully around my neck.

"Thanks. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, of course. I'm asking you so much. It's only fair that you get to ask me something in return."

"Okay," I whisper hoarsely. "I want to know if you have ever been with a guy before."


	13. 13

She seems to be irritated by my question and for a moment I wonder if I have offended her by asking about her previous partners. Her mouth starts quivering and when she starts biting her lower lip I'm afraid she's going to make it bleed.

"Why are you asking?" she whispers, her voice sounding as if she's close to crying. Crap, I didn't want to make her feel bad with my question.

"Please, just forget it. I shouldn't have asked that. Your past is none of my business."

"But I want you to know everything about me. It's just so difficult. I've never told anyone about this. Not even Lauren and we were together for such a long time."

"Sweetie, has someone hurt you?" I whisper, wrapping my arm around her delicate shoulder. She seems so fragile to me in this moment, that I want nothing more than to protect her.

"No,"

The word comes out like a husky whimper. Then she clears her throat and when she continues to speak she's making an effort to keep her voice calm.

"My parents weren't exactly happy when I told them I was a lesbian. I mean we're talking Mississippi here. Not the best place for a coming out. So, to do them a favor I started dating an Alibi boyfriend during my junior Year of High School. He was a nice guy, we were friends. At least I thought we were."

"Kay," I mumble, caressing her forearm with my fingertip. "But he turned out to be a Jerk."

"Kind of. Well, he took me to Prom and I remember that I talked my mom into buying me this way too expensive silk dress with silver stripes. I looked so pretty and I felt all so grown-up with my hair done and my makeup. God, I was such a stupid kid."

"I bet you looked beautiful."

"It was amazing. My parents still have the picture that my Dad took of me that night, standing around in their living room."

"Are you going to tell me what happened with this guy?"

"Darry told me he wanted to hang out at a Motel with a bunch of other kids. Someone was supposed to buy us beer with a faked ID. It was all meant to be a lot of fun. Then, when we came there and nobody was there, I bitched at him for lying to me. He cried and begged me to stay, confessing his love for me. I pitied him. Darry was so miserable and he had bought the motel room and a bouquet of red roses especially for me. I let him kiss me but it was just awkward. Still I didn't tell him to stop. I felt so…I don't know but in that moment I felt so proud of myself that I was doing this with a guy. That I could be normal like my parents wanted me to be. We fumbled around and drank some horribly lukewarm red wine. After that everything is pretty blurred in my memory but I know that he slobbered against my ear, asking if I was a virgin. He rubbed his…you know what I mean against me after shoving my underwear down my ankles. It hurt, it hurt so fucking much and he got frustrated because it didn't work how he wanted things to work. Eventually he rolled down from me and I rushed out of the goddamn room. I walked the entire way back home by foot in the pouring rain and cried. It was so horrible."

"I'm so sorry, honey. This guy was a swine. He should be ashamed of himself."

"But it's my fault. I could have told him to stop and fuck himself. I mean I have such a big mouth usually but in that night, I was such a fucking coward."

She starts crying and I hold her close to me, burying my face into her silk-like hair.

"It's not your fault. Please, stop thinking that. It wasn't your fault. The shithead gave you alcohol and almost raped you. Things didn't work like he wanted them to work? What a load of shit."

"You won't tell anyone about this. Right?"

"I promise. Your secret is safe with me. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there to keep you safe."

She nods her head and stands up from the bed.

"Do you understand now, why I'm not that fond of dicks? I don't want to get hurt."

"Baby, I would never hurt you. I can't hurt you. Please, don't be scared."

"I try to." she whispers. "I'm going to take a shower now."

With that she's gone and I force myself to take several deep breaths through my sore throat in an attempt to calm myself down again. What she has told me is bad, like really bad and a sharp pain cramps in my chest. My hand moves down to my genitals and for a moment I'm pretty tempted to squeeze with all my strength. I don't do it. The pain that would cause me would most likely make me throw up and how should I explain that to Elsa?

I grab the folder from the ground flipping through the pages until I find the number I'm looking for. Erica has told me the doctor is a charlatan but the good thing about Dr. Caryl is that the man likes cash and doesn't ask too many questions. I need to do something about my problems down there and I don't feel like I can wait any longer to get started.

"Hello," a purring voice greets me on the other line a few seconds later. "This is Dr. caryls office. How can I help you?"

"Hi," I stumble out, "My name is Anna Summers and I would like to make up an appointment for a procedure."

"Sure, let me check Dr. caryl's schedule. He's free next Tuesday night. Are you covered with insurance or are you going to pay cash?"

"Cash," I whisper nervously. "If that would be okay with you."

"Yeah, sure, it's fine. Now, just tell me what kind of procedure you are planning to have."

 **ok guys next chapter the story will be rated M so look for it on M rated stories**


	14. 14

*14*

I spent most of the following three days in bed while elsa continues pampering me like a little child. She cooks me soup, gets me a bunch of fresh cold meds from the pharmacy around the corner and starts reading a book about Monet's paintings to me. I enjoy her company way more than I probably should. Having her near me seems like a miracle to me. Or maybe a dream and any minute I'm going to wake up alone in my bed. When she says she needs to go to College on Friday morning, I'm tempted asking her to stay with me. I don't want to be alone.

Elsa plants a kiss on my reddened nose and then a second one on my mouth before placing a staple of magazines next to me on the bed.

"Is it okay to leave you alone for a few hours? I have this class today that I need to pass."

"Yeah sure, you've been stuck here with me for far too long. Although I have to admit that it's quite nice having you all to myself."

"I'll be back after lunch. Do you want me to bring something to eat for you? You look like you lost weight."

"I'm fine. Thank you."

"Who's Dr. Caryl?" she asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "He left a message on your phone asking you to call him back."

"Elsa, stop answering my phone. Dr. Caryl is…he's no one of importance."

"It sounded important to me when he called."

"Damn it, stop asking about that. It makes me feel awkward to discuss my surgeries with you. I'm embarrassed."

"I don't want you to be embarrassed."

She moves closer to me, placing her hand on mine. I circle my thumb over her wrist before lifting her fingers to my mouth to plant a kiss on each of her fingertips.

"I wished everything wasn't so complicated for us. I wished I was just a normal woman. I hate all this crap I have to deal with in my life."

"I'm so sorry, Anna." she whispers cuddling against me from behind. Her lips brush over my earlobe and I try very hard to concentrate on not getting hard again. "I don't like you being sad. Can't I do anything for you to help you?"

"No," I mumble. "But you can stop doing this kissing my ear thing. It's having effects on me that neither me nor you would appreciate too much."

"It's turning you on?"

Why does she sound so proud now? This girl is weird. Maybe that is why she's interested in me. Weird attracts weird like one magnet the other.

"You are going to be late for class."

"Stop distracting me. I asked you a question."

"But you don't really want to hear its answer. Yes, you turn me on. All the time and especially when you touch me like now."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't sound too sorry to me, Elsa. In fact, I'm starting to believe that you like teasing people. That's not a nice thing to do."

I pull her around, so that I'm kneeling between her slim thighs now. One of my pillows is securely placed in front of my hardening dick when I start caressing her cleavage with my fingertips.

"What are you doing?"

"Shhh," I whisper, placing a kiss on her soft lips while my right hand starts fumbling with the buttons on her white blouse. Her skin is warm and velvety against my fingers and I move them lower and lower until I reach the cotton fabric of her bra.

"You are beautiful." I tell her, letting my thumb circle underneath the side of her bra. A low moan escapes her lips when I roll the tip of my finger around the pebbled tip.

"Anna, I—,"

"Shhh, no more talking, girl. Just relax. Doesn't it feel good when I touch you here?"

I roll her nipple between two fingers and she moans again, that noise sending a wave of fresh blood down to my crotch. Trying to ignore my own lust, I make her sit up long enough so that I can remove her blouse and her bra.

My mouth closes around one of her rosy nipples and I hum against her warm flesh. She smells and tastes so good. Her eyes are closed now, her eyelids fluttering while I continue worshipping her gorgeous body. I stroke her breasts that fit so perfectly in my hands and rub and lick her nipples until the tips are red and swollen.

My cock throbs against my pajama pants and I inhale sharply between my teeth when I shift around a bit on the pillow. Damn it, this would be so much better without that thing down there.

Slowly I move my lips lower on her upper body, circling the tip of my tongue around the piercing in her belly button. I want to touch her between her legs. No, I need to touch her. Two of my fingers glide up the inside of her thigh, caressing the silken skin for a few moments before I eventually dare to move my fingers higher.

She's wet. The material of her thong is damp against my fingertips. Shoving the cotton fabric to the side, I can't hold back a groan when my fingers touch her moist flesh for the first time. It feels so incredibly good to touch her. My fingertip finds the little pearl and while she whimpers and moans, I keep on stroking her here. Up and down and around and around while my other fingers rub her inner lips. When I insert the tip of one finger into her entrance I gasp at the heat and tightness inside her. She lifts her hips up, greedy for the touch of my hand. I'm the one who's making her feel like this. I'm the one who's giving her pleasure. My fingers move faster, the one inside her rubbing against her slick inner walls. Another moan leaves her lips between some panting breaths and then I feel the moist skin around my finger tightening even more around it. Her clit pulses against my fingertip as the waves of her climax make her body tremble underneath me.


	15. 15

*15*

Her lips are warm as she starts to suckle the skin on my neck between her lips. My mind is overwhelmed by the sensation of having her half-naked body so close to me. The air I'm inhaling when I take a deep breath through my nose smells of her arousal. Instinctively I rub my throbbing dick against the fabric of the pillow. There is not enough ice water in this State to help me get rid of this. I try to stand up from the bed to rush into the bathroom to jack off like the freak I am.

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere," I whisper, my voice cracking nervously. Damn it, I hate it so much when this happens to me. It's like the horrors of puberty vocal change all over again. "I just need a minute."

And I highly doubt the procedure is going to take very much longer. I almost came in the moment I felt her slick inner walls clamping around my finger inside her. Oh fuck…

"Stay," she murmurs, wrapping her arms around me. I bite my lower lip in an attempt to suppress a moan when her fingers glide over the curves of my breasts. "You feel good."

"Elsa, no. I can't."

"Don't you like it when I touch you? You touched me too."

"That's different. I am different."

Her mouth is on mine within a heartbeat and with her tongue moving against the tip of mine I'm finding it difficult to use the tiny bit of my brain that is still working reasonably.

Then I feel her fingers fumbling around with the elastic around my pajama bottoms and pull back so abruptly that I hurt my head on the corner of my headboard.

"Ouch, damn it."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Don't you want me to touch you?"

"Yes! No. I don't really know. I want you to touch me but at the same time I'm scared."

"You think too much." she whispers, letting her fingertip glide down over the bulge in my pants. "And thinking isn't going to help one tiny bit here."

I pull the blankets over me and close my eyes while her warm lips move like tiny butterflies all over my face.

"Show me how you like it."

Her voice sounds shy as her dainty fingers closer around my hard shaft. I groan and cover her hand with mine to move them up and down my length. It has been forever that someone else has touched me so intimately and although I'm somewhere deep in the corner of my mind aware that it wrong to let this happen with Elsa, I still can't tell her to stop. Her thumb rubs over the sensitive tip and down to the base, up and down, up and down and I shudder. My muscles tense, my toes curl and I moan against her lips that are still one mine as I climax in thick spurts all over her fingers and the blanket.

She lifts her hand up, holding it closer to her face while mine heats with embarrassment.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry. God, Elsa I can't even tell you how sorry I am about this."

I can't even dare to look her in the eyes when I grab the next best thing I can reach and start wiping the sticky wetness from her fingers.

"Did I do something wrong? You seem angry."

At me, not you, beautiful girl. I'm such so disgusting freak. You should run. Run and never come back. You are too good, too sweet to be confronted with this sort of crap.

anna a"are you alright? I didn't hurt you or anything?"

"No," I stumble out huskily, turning to the side to curl up into a ball. I sob and gasp for air, trying very hard not to cry.

"What's wrong with you?"

Apart from having a dick? Apart from the fact that I just jizzed all over your hand?

"Leave me alone."

"No. I want to know what's wrong with you. Did I do anything that upset you? Because like two minutes ago I had the impression that you pretty much enjoyed what I was doing to you."

"Elsa, please, this is so fucked up. Everything is so fucked up."

I cry and sob against the pillow that I hug tightly to my chest in a desperate need to hold on to something.

My cell starts ringing and because I think it could be Dr. Caryl trying to reach me again, I grab it from the nightstand and pick up the call.

"Hello?"

"Anna, is that you? Are you crying?" Erica greets me worriedly on the other side.

"No, I'm fine."

"Silly girl, I know how you sound when you are crying. What's wrong?"

Everything!

"Nothing,"

I stand up from the bed, my knees trembling so much that I barely manage to make it down to the bathroom to lock myself in.

"I wished I were dead."

"Baby girl, what's wrong with you. What made you sad?"

I sniff, wiping my nose on a sheet of toilet paper before I speak up again.

"I'm such a disgusting piece of shit."

"No, you're not. Anna, you are freaking out and that worries me. What happened? Tell me and I will see how I can help you."

"We made out. I touched her and then she kind of wanted to please me too and I let her."

"Sweet ass, if you are crying after getting laid the first time in five years, she must have been pretty bad."

"No. I'm not crying because it was bad. I'm crying because…because…everything is so complicated. I came all over her hand. This is not normal and I want so very much to be normal. I want to be normal for her."

"You like that girl a great deal, don't you?"

"Yes. Yes, I like her and I'm so scared, so very scared that she won't be able to handle all of this."


End file.
